INFJ Diary

I shy away from people of authority

OMG! When I was reading this passage from Robert Greene I couldn’t help myself from looking inside of me.

“It is interesting to observe how people behave around those in positions of power and authority. They will tend to reveal an anxiety, a resentment or a psynchopathic falseness that betrays something essential about their psychological make-up, something that goes back to their childhoods and that can be read in their body language.”

Do you know what I do when there is an authority figure around? I avoid them. I don’t dare make contact with them as much as possible. My urge to avoid them comes automatically.

These authority figures I’m telling you about could be teachers, speakers, prayer leaders. Ugh! They’re actually everywhere! I’ve known this issue all along. And this is not doing me any good.

I’m pretty sure that this reaction didn’t come from my parents. I am free to be me in front of my parents and we have this open communication at home. In fact I’ve already shared here how I enjoyed spending quality time with them.

The only instance that I could point to as to why I became like this was when I was in grade 1. I can even still remember my teacher’s name, but I’ll just call her Ma’am A.

Ma’am A. asked us that whenever we meet teachers around the corridor we should stop in front of them, put our right hand on our left chest, bow down and say ‘good morning.’ Now I don’t remember if we should do this to all teachers. But I only remember bowing down to her.

Even up to this time I still feel the resentment of doing that act. Like, “what are you? Are you some kind of a god? Or are you the Philippine flag? Are you the altar inside our church?” I hated it!

I would envy friends or classmates who could talk to figures of authority like they’re friends. Because I on the other hand would try to avoid them and feels repulsive. I would sometimes be unsure of myself whe I’m around them which is unusual of me when I’m with people.

I guess I really need to do some grief work or resentment work about this incident in my childhood. I’ve also been talking about this with my husband, but talking about it isn’t enough. I need to express and let go of the feelings that have been stored in me for the past decades. As they say, “you cannot heal what you don’t feel.”

One of these days, I plan to do just that. I think I’ gonna use the grief work we did during the Reparenting the Child Within Seminar.

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