INFJ Diary

Letting go of my dream and attachment

If God will tell me now to stop my master`s study, then I would do so at the drop of a hat. Or if my husband will tell me to stop because of the lack of budget, then I would do as he say. In fact, I could take his decision as one from God. Now, I`m willing to throw my dream, my attachment at God`s disposal. If this dream of mine is coming from my ego, then please please, may He do something for me to give it up.

It took me more than a year to realize how attached I am to being a psychotherapist and counselor, and how I identified myself to this dream that I am even thinking of changing my site (again) to something as momcounselor.com.  During the time when I was pouring sweat and blood on my studies, I`m really thinking of giving up. Besides, I could still counsel as a pastoral care giver even without a degree. So why subject myself to this kind of hardship? But I convinced myself that my skill and knowledge will be different, that this is for the good of those people whom I will be able to help in the future. And other than that, I thought to myself, what if people asked me why I had stopped or what if they tell me sayang naman. I couldn`t bare the thought of being a quitter when there`s no reason for me to do so. I`m not saying that those who discontinued their studies were quitters. Friends and acquaintances I know who quit realized along the way that it`s not for them, while still others were experiencing inner troubles. So for me I was thinking of quitting because I`m chickening out and it will kind of affect my own ego.

But as I was reading the book of Awareness by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest, I realized my ego`s attachment. A few months of working on my attachment allowed me to psychologically and emotionally detach from my dream. When I am thinking of quitting, I again imagine people commenting, “nag-stop ka? Bakit? Sayang naman,” and then I would give my sweetest smile and say, “Oo nga eh,” offering no further explanation.

Anothony de Mello discussed in his book, Search God Everywhere, the three classes of people. The first class are those who strongly hold onto their attachment without any thought of God. The second class are those who hold their attachment and tell themselves that it`s for God and for other people, again without really discerning God`s will. And the third class are people who are psychologically detaching from their attachment, saying that, “if God wants me to give it up, I still have God.” And if God wants me to keep it, “I have God.”

I was one of the second class of people before until I realized the working of my ego. I was even using God to make me achieve my dream. And now, thanks be to God, I am willing to let go of my attachment for just a clear sign from Him. I can even let go of my dream of my being a marriage counselor if He wills so. Because to have Him in my life is more important than achieving my ego`s dream.

So where will this master`s of mine lead me to? I honestly don`t know. I have already stopped planning and plotting when I am going to finish it as there have been a change in my program. But I don`t care anymore. I will just flow.

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