INFJ Diary

On trying to be forgiving…

I was never a friendly daughter-in-law. For quite sometime, I’ve kept my in-laws at arm’s length, especially my mother-in-law. I convinced myself that they aren’t even emotionally close with their own sons, so why would I be any different.

In retrospect, maybe this was stemming from a grudge I kept, instances that have piled up that I couldn’t sort out my feelings anymore. When I hate someone and I don’t clearly understand where it’s coming from, I could go on and on with my complaints. I could enumerate things about them that I dislike.

But recently, I guess I know now where the ill-feelings are coming from. It’s coming from a certain behavior, that very behavior which is also an issue with her sons. And now, I begin to see that. Yes, that’s it. That’s where the Ill feelings such as distrust and disillusionment are coming from. And then from them came resentment.

And now, the reflection for today’s reading is such a big challenge for me,

If we pray with faith God will give us the means to overcome difficulties and obstacles. If we want God to hear our prayers we must forgive those who wrong us as God has forgiven us.

My mother-in-law isn’t perfect, and so am I. There’s no way I could ask her to change that wounding way of hers. I couldn’t still give her my full emotional trust, but at least I hope, I could be amiable, with God’s help.

Sometimes, I really smirk in front of her. I’m too transparent, I don’t even try to hide what I feel inside even if it could hurt her. Whenever I do this, I’m being plagued with guilt.

Now that I know what is really bothering me, I hope I could manage myself around it, even if it seems too difficult for me. I hope, slowly by slowly, I could be more tolerant, understanding, patient, and most of all forgiving. All these through God’s helping grace. Because left alone with my own capacity, I wouldn’t be able to these things.

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