“I am with my current partner for 12years, we’re about to get married in less than 2months, we have a son who is 5 y/o already. Things are getting rough lately, maybe it’s because of the stress preparing the wedding which is expensed by my in-laws and as well as my family. My partner and I are having problems lately, maybe it’s his thoughts of losing his singlehood, he’s going out drinking with his officemates without letting me know or even lying to me. Not to mention, I’ve been doing everything in our relationship ever since we started. I do the finances, the chores, the decisions, name it all.
He have cheated on me before, even when we had our son already but he’s changed. Still, i feel something wrong. I don’t feel being a woman at all. He’s getting all the benefit of living life, me? He’s working with a very little paying job, and I worked with a lot higher paying job than him. I understand and accept all his flaws and shortcomings, i just wanted him to be 100% truthful, loyal and honest with me, but he can’t. For me, what do i even benefit from this relationship? I’m working on it in all aspect. I am really tired and confused.
I am just pushing this marriage because of my son, and not because of him anymore. We had trials, we managed to make it up because I forgive but he does not correct his actions. He’s 27, I know he’s young but not too young to be committed. He said he’s trying to fix himself, but just day after he reconciled that to me, he’s back on his track. I don’t get prioritized, that’s how it is. He’s like always craving going out with friends. For me, is this the kind of guy I wanna spend my life with? I can’t back out, I feel ashamed to his parents backing out because they insisted carrying the expenses. What shall I do? I wanna keep us, he wants to keep me but he’s not doing his responsibility.”
It seems like you are in tension between two decisions, you are split in two selves. Your first self is tempted to drop the relationship. It wants to preserve yourself from further pains and heartaches since you are already tired of making the relationship work alone for ten years. I surmise from your post that for those years, your partner did not contribute anything for the betterment of your relationship. All these years, you`ve been in a relationship all by yourself. There is a partner, yes, but is mentally, emotionally, and even physically absent. I hope I`m understanding you correctly.
Now let`s move on to your other self, the side of you who wants to push through the marriage. The reason here is that you feel indebted to your in laws. The wedding is planned and prepared already, and for you, it probably feels shameful to back down. Another reason is that, this part of you Paula, is that you want to keep the “us.” As a mother, this part wants to do it for your son.
Your two selves are at war. To whom will you listen?
One thing that I could say is that, when in doubt, don`t. Your instinct is already giving you signals of what could happen in the future, so I hope that you take time to acknowledge and listen to what it is telling you. Other women have fallen trapped into believing that their partners will change once they get married or once they have children. But what usually happens is that, they don`t.
Now, about your in laws shouldering the wedding. Cancelling it is like dropping a bomb and everyone will be in shock. It might be very painful and shameful to you and your loved ones once you drop it. But know that the pain and shame will gradually fade by itself as time passes by. In contrast, when you tie yourself forever with your partner, there is a chance that he ramain in his old ways, and your pain and misery will not end for the rest of your life.
So whether this is a wedding jitter or a warning coming from the depth of your soul, It`s only you who can decide on what you are going to do. I pray that you`d be given discernment and wisdom as you make this lifetime decision of yours.
Disclaimer: Q&A is a collection of my advices to relationship problems gathered from personal emails, messages, and public forum posts. The advices I give are influenced by my personal beliefs, experiences, and knowledge, and therefore might be biased. I tried to veer away from Biblical views of marriage in respect to non-believers and non-religious. In addition, advising is totally different from counseling where problems are explored deeper for more insights and understanding of the counselee.
Minor facts and information were changed to ensure the sender/poster’s anonymity.