I never knew how it feels when one has something to hide about one’s self, a personal secret that one is terribly afraid that others might discover. It’s a kind of secret that the one prefers to bury in the deep recesses of his or her being. Now it reminds me of Queen Elsa, when she sang the lines, “just one wrong move and everyone will know.”
What am I afraid of that others might know? Well, there’s this one pressing insecurity that’s poking at me right now. It’s not really as deep or as tragic as others might be experiencing. In fact, you might think of it as irrational and trivial, too trivial for me to even blog about. But my insecurity and fear feel real to me.
So here it is. I’m taking a subject on Intelligence testing in graduate school (unfortunately, we are required to take this in counseling psychology). And next week, my professor will do a demonstration where he will be the tester and we the test takers. I couldn’t tell you how that announcement made me anxious. I don’t want to take an IQ test in front of the class, even if it’s just 5-10 questions. I’m so tempted not to attend the class.
I believe I have low Intelligent Quotient. I struggle with all the IQ tests I took. I’m afraid my classmates will know. Because there I will be, surrounded by academic people in a top unversity, and I imagine I won’t be able to answer correctly. So no. I don’t want to take a short intelligence in front of the class. I dread to think that my classmates would know about my insecurity.
The thing is, I really don’t care about IQ, an IQ is not a predictor of a person’s success in life. And true intelligence cannot be measured by academic performance alone. It’s just that, in my case, it so happens that I’m taking an Intelligence Testing course, and I need to deal with IQ’s, which I wouldn’t take if I don’t have to.
So anyway, I’m sorry to keep on rambling. But what I really want to do is to use this experience as an opportunity to understand the feelings of the Queen Elsa’s of the world. I guess we’re all Queen Elsa’s in our own way. We all have insecurities, we all have ugly things about ourselves that we don’t want others to know about. We are afraid to reveal it because of the fear that we will be judged, we will be mocked, we will not be accepted for what we are.
So how do we deal with it? Honestly, I don’t know. Cliche as it is, we can never control other people, we can only control ourselves. I cannot control if other people judge me, whether it’s about IQ’s or other more important things. I cannot control if they will accept me.
Will I attend my class? Well to tell you the truth, I’m still dithering. But one message that I received today from Father James Martin is that to surrender and trust. It’s not really about facing my fear or testing my limit, but it’s about letting go. Letting go of what negative things could happen. Believing that whatever happens, when I let go of whatever I’m clinging to, God will surely catch me when I fall. I cannot overemphasize how scary letting go is. But this is where trust in the Lord comes in.
Of course, this applies not only to my present predicament, but also in every aspect of my life. This little scenario has been an important reminder to me. That is, to let go, surrender, and trust. And in return, I will gain back my freedom.