There were days when I think that I’m not for motherhood. I dislike the physical aspect of mothering — feeding my daughter, giving her a bath, and fixing her hair, among other things. I actually envy those moms who find fulfillment doing these.
Sometimes I wish to get us a yaya to do the things for my daughter that I would rather not, but our family’s privacy is more important to me than getting the convenience of having someone attend to my daughter’s physical needs. So I chose to do it on my own.
I sometimes do beat myself up for this weakness of mine, but since I don’t want to wallow on this, I try to remind myself that I’m doing well in some areas of my own motherhood.
For one, I love homeschooling my daughter. I love teaching her how to read, to write, to have a good social skill, to learn good manners, and many more. I may not get fulfillment in keeping her tidy all the time — which is not always the case — but I do find it rewarding when she’s learning things about the world with me.
Another thing that I love about motherhood is filling her emotional needs. Whenever she does something praiseworthy, like helping me in the house and lending a toy to her playmate, I would generously give my approval to her by saying thank you and praising what she did.
I also love showering her with affection — kissing her, hugging her, cuddling her. We also have quality time by horseplaying together, going to park and play areas just the two of us, and sometimes, just conversing on what she likes to talk about.
So yes, I suck at being my daughter’s yaya/nanny. But hey, I also need to tap myself at the back. I know I’m a good teacher and a good friend to my daughter too. But in the end my daughter’s assessment of me is what matters most. It’s when she tells me, “mommy, I want to be a mommy like you when I grow up,” and “mommy, you are my good mommy.” Her words are enough to forgive myself for my shortcomings and to affirm me that I’m a good enough mother.